This episode is part 2 of our discussions about the Shiny Happy People documentary, and goes over the flip side of authority which is blind obedience. 

The idea of obedience pervades our society and is usually the barometer people use to demonstrate the 'goodness' of kids. Kids aren't 'good' just because they do what other people say.

When we tell kids how good or bad they are, we often teach them that if they're bad they lose relationships, they aren't wanted as much, they lose friends, they can't do certain things, or worse. It doesn't give kids room to get better, particularly those who aren't always capable of being 'good' for different reasons, such as ADHD, autism, neurodivergence, stress, hunger, etc.

Kids will believe you if you keep telling them they're 'bad' and adopt that identity. This can impact self-esteem, social skills, and behavior.

How do we define good people, even as adults? We would all have different answers and that's the goal of parenting for us. What makes kids good is only if you obey, which is not how we define it in adulthood. 

Character qualities only develop through work, failure, and experiences. When we only want to make kids obey, we take those opportunities away from them, so they can't develop the character muscles that are so important as they age.

Relying on blind obedience grows kids who always need someone to tell them what to do. This doesn't actually develop them as people, it only teaches them to obey authority and shut down their own thoughts and feelings. 

Obedience is not a character trait! It's behavior.

Misbehavior is actually kids learning how to develop the skills we want them to have. They have to work them out in ways that are hard and disrespectful and challenging. 

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